(or “How It Took Me 20 Years to Finally ‘Get It’”)
Originally posted January 10, 2018 on Tumblr.
I was in 5th grade when I really started loving Star Wars, so about 11 or 12. And I mean, I LOVED Star Wars. I read the novels of the extended universe voraciously, and I joined the official fan club. I dressed up like Luke Skywalker from The Return of the Jedi for Halloween. It wasn’t really obvious who I was supposed to be of course because it’s really just black pants and a black top. I did have my lightsaber which was really just a flashlight with a collapsible plastic tube on it (this was before the cool LED ones). Plus, you know, I was a girl.
But you see, I ADORED Luke Skywalker. Yeah, Princess Leia was cool and all. I didn’t have anything against her. She had some great dialogue. But the men of the Star Wars universe were the bad ass heroes that I wanted to be.
You might be starting to get where I’m going with this. Growing up, I always identified with the male heroes. I absolutely support representation in the media, mind you. Everyone should be able to see a hero they can identify with on the screen. For me it was just always the men. I was an only child until I was 7 and definitely ended up a Daddy’s Girl. He did all the things with me he would have done with son (archery, video games, Sunday morning cartoons). I always figured that was the reason the male heroes on the screen were the ones I liked best because maybe I was just brought up a little more boyish.
For years I questioned my gender identity and hated being female. I always ended up having to accept that I was female, that I didn’t actually feel male at my core despite many “masculine” qualities in my personality. But I typically ended up emulating male heroes was because I kept being shown that to be “female” was all these idealized things that I wasn’t, therefore there must be something wrong with me.
Or that to be “female” was to be diminutive and in need of saving. But life taught me I needed to save myself and being small only got me hurt more.
That if I wanted to be respected, I needed to be more “male”. To this day my desk at work is covered in Ironman, with a tiny Sailor Moon picture tucked away in the corner so as not to draw attention.
It wasn’t until watching The Last Jedi 20 years later that it finally hit me. (Heads up, Spoilers Warning!)
It wasn’t until seeing GENERAL Leia save HERSELF from certain death by using the Force to drag herself back on to the blown up starship.
It wasn’t until seeing General Holdo remain behind so others had a chance to escape, because a captain always goes down with her ship.
It wasn’t until seeing Rose turn from flustered fan girl to dedicated soldier in an instant who would not dare allow a deserter, not after her sister’s sacrifice.
It wasn’t until seeing Rey realize that Light and Dark are on a spectrum and thus connected, from seeing her discover HER raw untrained skill.
It wasn’t until seeing the flaws in Master Luke that made him immediately fear Rey’s supposed draw to the Dark Side, the same fear that had led to the creation of Kylo Ren.
Until seeing the young woman Rey face the old hero Luke and tell him that he can’t hide away from the universe. Seeing her decide that if he wouldn’t reach out to Kylo Ren, then she would.
I won’t lie, even just recounting these beats made me start tearing up.
It was walking out of The Last Jedi that I finally understood that there wasn’t anything wrong with me the entirety of my young life, it was that I never had heroes who represented me. Even though Princess Leia got to defeat Jabba, she wasn’t the prodigal child. She didn’t get pursued for her natural Force abilities. Darth Vader didn’t pay her much mind even after she was revealed as a Skywalker. She didn’t go face down the Emperor and convince Vader to betray him to defeat the Empire. But hey, she got some sexy poses.
But General Leia, oh she can lead armies! She earns the respect and awe of her subordinates. She’s just as talented with the Force as her brother. She is a mentor to other strong women. If we had been given General Leia to begin with, I think maybe I would have chosen a different idol.
